Robert Mitchum said that to Nick Nolte at the Academy Awards once. Anyways, on to my brief rant.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I like individuals, I hate people. And by individuals, I mean just that: individuals or small groups of individuals. And by people, I mean the general public; the rest of the six point something billion
other fuckers out there.
I had to go to the mall today for some Christmas shopping, which is a chore in and of itself. Just going there, I mean. The shopping itself isn't so bad, I suppose. I like getting things for people. The people who deserve things, anyway. Here's a brief rundown of my mall escapades:
- For fuck's sake, people, IT'S JUST A PARKING SPOT! I understand it's colder than a Blizzaga to the face (Final Fantasy reference ftw), but for shiz, folks, it's not something to get worked up about. Waiting for me to get out of my car for the simple purpose of staring me down for taking a spot you would've liked is not something I could readily see your Jesus person doing. He walked everywhere, anyway.
- The steak escape at the Brookfield Mall makes the BEST (don't even fucking argue this) imitation Philly cheese steaks in the ENTIRE midwest. They use shredded steak and cheese whiz and everything! Kudos to you, Steak Escape. You have made a customer for life.
- Dr. Denis Leary (yes, he is an accredited doctor now) has a new book. No, it's not titled Shut The Fuck Up
, it's Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy, and Stupid
. It is awesome.
- The Twilight series has ruined several places in Barnes & Noble.
- There was a man in the adjacent Starbucks and he was wearing an eye patch. he looked like a very mild-mannered, slightly metrosexual pirate. Yarr.
- The sound of tween laughter is enough to make one have a conip fit.
- The sound of said tweens whining about how difficult sixth grade is compared to fifth doubles this factor.
- If you're the janitor at Barnes & Noble and you're cleaning the bathroom, just say "I'm cleaning the bathroom. It should be open in five minutes." Don't go into a speech about how "The restroom is currently out of order, but it should be operational again in approximately five minutes." You're not repairing droids, you're mopping the Goddamn floor.
- If you're a teen and you're on this whole "emo" bandwagon bullshit, you don't look cool hanging out in front of the other
Starbucks. You just look retarded and fake.
- Eww eww eww eww ewwwwwww!!! The horridly ugly Ganguro
trend is catching on with stupid preppy white girls! EWWWWWW!!!! If I find it disgusting on Asian women when I am normally completely fucking enamored with Asian girls, you can bet your fake tanned ass it's going to look nothing short of repugnant on you.
- Even worse than that, morbidly obese white women should never EVER wear cornrows. EVER.
- If you see a man running
out of the handicapped stall in the bathroom, DO NOT investigate the situation. You'll never find anything good. Ever.